Alone (An Introspection of a Pessimistic Teenager)

The morning started off normally for me today. Well, I tried really hard to contain my anger and frustration.

So, my parents and younger bro left for Mid Valley this afternoon. I was to attend a party at 3pm. Somehow, with the stillness of the house and everything…I learned something about myself today. No, actually I found who I am during the course of quiteness in the house.

I love to be alone.

I don’t know why but I was filled with an ethereal sense of being. It wasn’t about my friends or school or anything. I had been this way since I entered teenhood. There was nothing wrong with my peers, the problem had been me all this while.

Or is it?

I guess I would have to face facts. I don’t think there is anything I could do about it. But hold on, when I was at one of my peers’ party today, I somehow long to belong somewhere. Somewhere where there is someone whom I can truly call a friend deep in the core of my soul. For a minute, I long to be someone who had a presence in a crowd. Someone who is not quiet. Someone who can talk instead of someone who sits in a corner alone and no one even bother to invite to play charades. Someone who is not a loner. Someone else who is not me.

Bring me back to reality.

I left the party and walked back home in the rain. The rain somehow brings me clarity. What that I had been through was an empty high for me. I had let myself get succumed into peer pressure. There is nothing I should worry about.

Finale to an introspection

As I sit in my living room while watching television, I got bored. There was no interesting shows on air, so I switched off the television. I laid down on the floor and look at the ceiling in the dark room. The calmness of the house brings me an ethereal sense again. My old self returned.

Sure I would love to be like the cool guys at the party. But then again, can I break the ice that is within me? Am I capable of opening up and for the first time build a real friendship? A friendship that is not about lies but about truth. I guess not. I am a loner. I love silence, that is the reason why I read books instead of going out and play with my friends.

I might never be the guy who get noticed for anything. But then again, isn’t the cast behind-the-scenes of a movie more important that the actors? I will always get the feeling of wanting to belong in a particular circle of friends but I’m sure that it will only be an unfulfilled longing. Therefore, I don’t want to aim for the stars when I am surrounded by thick fog. Until further notice, I will remain the guy who is isolated from everything, the guy who doesn’t belong, the guy who is always behind-the-scenes.

My life is a tapestry of forlorn hope,

Sewed with the threads of pain

and framed with the frame of vain,

I don’t dream my dreams

for they bring me despair,

I don’t look at my yesterdays

for all I see is a mist of nothingness,

Gone was my innocence with adolescence,

The rain brings me clarity,

Through all of my obscurities,

I had free my self from my past,

Freed myself from an empty lust,

I am wearing the crown to my present,

Until the time comes,

I won’t change myself,

Instead I will look back

and reminiscence of the better days,

Those days when I was.