Breathing the Air of June: An Introspection

Months don’t measure up the distance between events when the months have turn to June. It seems that days are what that matters when the year have reach the middle. When the month of June comes, one has to make choices-for the best or for the worst.

In between memories of half the year that had passed me by and the idea that I have only less than six months for my year to come full circle, I can’t help but to feel that I am caught in between. I think it is under these circumstances that explain why I was feeling so depressed at school today. The other reason might also be that I had just returned from Penang. But I think it is the worst of both worlds that is bothering me. There is also the possibility that I am worried of what the near future might reveal to me.

The holidays only stretched for as long as two weeks. But I can’t help but to feel that those two weeks had seemed like a month. An illusion that wields and clouds ones sense of being. Those two weeks were the time that I will hold dear. For there is nothing more that I would love than to be as far as possible from all my peers and the pressure and dejection ones feel at school. Those two weeks also serve as a time for me to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. But I wouldn’t count much on it. Those days that were contained in the holiday might also have served as a time for me to mirror myself. Though I had been oblivious of it until a few days ago.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder; at least that’s what they say. There were times when I feel like I missed my times at school. And often with these thoughts, I will be left questioning my sanity. It paints a big irony that I would miss school when all I got there is peer pressure and more peer pressure. I had desperately wanted to get out from school during the last few weeks of the first school term. It seems to me that I had fallen more and more behind. While the rest of my peers are moving forward with their knowledge of Physics and Chemistry, I had got left behind in the race. But then again, who am I to complain? When my friends understood all the formulas of mathematics and remembered the facts of a historical event, I had been unable to comprehend anything. But then again, who do I put the blame on?

Me.

Looks can be deceiving. That is one of the things that I had learned during the first half of the school term. Fresh faces had come into my school life during the first half of this year. And with their presence, they had brought about a competition in the unforgiving world of high school. I had tried my best to ward off their presence, but it seems to cast a shadow over me. The harder I tried the worst my envy grew. The bigger my envy grew, the more that I am stuck in a parallel universe of my own.

Friends lost, friends found. I’m not bothered. Never was I someone who needs company to keep me sane. Infact, I think I am much suited to travel alone down a road then to walk it with a few of my peers whom I don’t think know me at all. I put the blame all on myself. I never let them in anyway.

The school re-opened yesterday. It is a start of a new beginning. Which probably explains why I styled a different hairstyle. I don’t think I did it to impress anyone. It was more of me assuring myself that I can d it. It is also a window to two worlds that have been so close to me. One that at any time soon or maybe with a blink of an eye might suck me in. But let’s just hope that I am caught up in one where I am blessed instead of cursed.