Pale September

Not everyone could comprehend the intense meaning behind the lyrics of Fiona Apple’s songs. To the ears of those who constantly listen to mainstream radio, her beautiful cryptic lyrics might be plain rubbish and her deep throaty voice might be mistaken to be that of a person with a terrible case of sore throat. This had made me come up with a hypothesis to which the experiment I had conducted in the cerebral cortex region of my stressed up head; Fiona Apple is a wonderfully gifted artist whose amazing talent is under appreciated and whose music could only garner the devotion of those extremely rare people who don’t mind stepping out of a circle and jump deep into a dark solitary pit. This is why I have abandon all hope to convince my peers to have a listen to this gifted American singer-songwriter.

The official SPM trial concluded last Wednesday with Biology Paper 3 and English for Science & Technology Paper 1. There had been a lot of controversies during the trial examinations. Rumours had been flying during the course of the exams that the contents of all the Science and Mathematics paper had flow out from their contained vaults like a river flowing smoothly down a valley of smooth rocks covered with green moss.

Being a person who would rather not be blacklisted in the social who’s who list, I have decided to seal my lips. Let the others have their piercing words uttered out and let the others have their hearts torn. I won’t deny that I have played a minimal part on the offensive side of the attack but conscience have somehow pulled me back at the very last minute. I’m afraid it might be a second too late though. Right now I am just going to stand on the fence and take on a spectator’s view (Knock me on the head if I am playing an active role again M.L. tee-hee). Furthermore, as a homosapien species whose emotions are not tied to the phases of the moon, it is not in our nature to let the tongue roll out resentment and frustration verbally. Oh the beauty of deliberate verbal action and the ugliness of the disfigured perception of the mind.

On the neutral point of view who try not to take to account the thoughts from the other sides, I think it might not be an anomaly anymore for cases such as leaked out examination paper and leaked out examination answers. Take the recent UPSR paper for example. With fast paced technological growth and young minds who have their culture steep deep in Walkman phones,iPods, Friendster, messenger  and blogs (Note that all this remark also points to yours truly and it would be a really lame attemp to slash me up with my own remarks.), the exams paper could easily be leaked out through various mediums…you have the vast world of the Internet, the simplicity of short message service a.k.a. SMS, the convenience of messenger and the classic use of the telephone. There is also the ever reliable tuition centres of course.

Now, I am not directing the tip of my finger to any particular individual. But being a Moral Studies student who had the wonderful privilege of memorising 36 essential moral values required in the syllabus, let me just remind you of one value…Kebebasan Bersuara which translates to Freedom of Speech which carries the definition of "Kebebasan berucap dan mengeluarkan fikiran dengan batasan tertentu bagi menjaga keselamatan dan ketenteraman". I believe that I have not cross any lines here. By the way, just to ease your conscience, it might be a comfort to know that everybody else is doing it.

                                               * * *

I will be partially emancipated tomorrow on the 24th of September. I said partial emancipation because of the fact that Malaysians who had reached the age of 17 will be officially eligible to drive and automatically get a membership of the fictional Crazy Malaysian Drivers.

Anywhoo, I had a little cosy dinner with my family just now at J.U.S.T. Thai at One Utama. My aunt from my dad’s side came along to add a little spice to the event. It was just a small party (if I may call it so) but I certainly had a great time (or at least my stomach did). These are the menu of the dishes which we had just now:

• Thai fish cakes
• Mango salad with dry shrimp
• Green curry chicken
• Seafood tom yam
• Stir fried chicken with cashew nut

        and

• Water chesnut with coconut milk for desserts

The green curry chicken and seafood tom yam was simply delicious. However, I can’t say the same thing for the Thai fish cakes though. It was labelled there as a "Chef’s recommendation" meal but it was just a mediocre dish for me. The water chesnut with coconut milk was nice. The dessert was very fragrant. It would have been a flawless dish had they not be so stingy with the coconut milk. Ooh and being the awkward guy that I am, I hastily made my wish and blew the candles before my dad managed to take even a photo. In the end, mom had to light the candles up again and I mocked a pleasant blowing-the-candles pose. Lolx.

All in all I had an amazing birthday. I know some of you will picture loud music from Linkin Park or Rihanna playing on the stereo and poker cards sprawled out across the table when picturing an amazing birthday party. Yeah, I think that would have been a blast but to me this birthday had been just perfect. But then again, you are hearing from a guy who listens to Fiona Apple’s .

Good night guys and enjoy the rest of your September…

Behind a Mask of Isolation There Lies a Boy Deep in Confusion Just Like an Actor He Portrays Many Different Characters In a Story Yet to Be Told With Only The Beginning Starting to Unfold His Ending is Yet to be Known

I have recently discovered the music of Fiona Apple. There is a certain novelty to the sound of her music that captivated me when I first heard her single, "O’ Sailor" from the album Extraordinary Machine. After that particular song, I went back in time and discovered "Criminal" from her debut record Tidal. Later in the evening on the same day, I was amazed by the composition of her song "Fast As You Can" from her sophomore effort, When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He’ll Win the Whole Thing Fore He Enters the Ring There’s No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo. You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand. Then You’ll Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You Know That You’re Right.

The words of her lyrics are so intense and the arrangement of the songs are just plain amazing. The beauty of this American singer-songwriter is her charming persona which is her eccentricity and her talent lies in her songs that knows no boundaries and is just plain different. Fiona Apple’s songs are my escape right now from all those mainstream stuff and I am planning to get tangled up in her music for some time.

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The Mid-Year exams just concluded yesterday with Biology Paper 1 as the final paper. One would probably have at least a 10 minutes breather after the exams. Not for me though. I get on to working out the final touches for the ELS logo and after that I was searching through the whole school looking for the teacher advisor of the ELS. When I did find her, she wasn’t happy with the final result and called me to colour the whole thing and leave no trace of dullness. That left me with the thought that she is a psychedelic colour addict since the secretary of the other societies only have to label the respective colour of their society’s logo.

While the logo was being coloured, I was called by Pn. K and she told me that my whole entire Physics PEKA file had went missing. That made me go ballistic. I put up my best polite conduct before I left the room and stormed through the school compound to the Physics lab. A dark looming cloud was hanging above my head that time and I was so angry. I was so sad. I was so frustrated. In other words, for the next half an hour, I was totally out of my mind. So happened, I saw a few "Tight Pants Troopers" on my way to Physics lab and what better way to project my wrath? I shouted at the top of my lungs and called them to enter the class since it is not recess yet. That drained my anger but filled my conscience. Oh well, I’m just human. But honestly, that was very wrong of me to do that and please, please, please don’t follow my act.

After searching through all the dusty boxes at the Physics lab, I found my file. My frustration and despair were drained out immediately but were almost immediately replaced by humiliation. There I was covered all in dust and my hair was all messed up and my shirt was coming out and I was panting and sweating. I was a wreck. A human wreck with a hell of a lot of emotions going through my mind. I stood there in the empty lab wishing so hard that I could just scream my lungs out or smash something. In other words, I had been the wreck of the day and I have completely lost my mind.

Went down for prefect’s meeting later on only to be hearing the pre-recorded "music" that been playing for hmm…let’s see…since two years ago when a not-so-magnificent-but-still-amazing tree was chopped down and another two variant species was vainly attached to the remains of the original tree in an act to produce the fruits of the original scent and taste.

Half an hour later, I was running to the teacher’s room to hand the newly enhanced and colourful logo to the teacher advisor and guess what? I was bestowed with another task…lucky me. Should I be thanking Zeus or the Chinese God of Luck? She called me to go get the VP of ELS.

*Play*

I went through the whole school looking for the VP (Why can’t people stay in their respective classes? No offence W.L., you know I admire your authorotive quality as the ELS VP) looking like a partial if not complete wreck by now.

*Fast-Forward*

Found the VP. Brought him to the respective teacher.

*Play*

"I want both of you to stay back today to clean the Language Lab"

"Why not we all choose a day to clean it up together with all the other members?"

"No, no. I only want the AJKs to do it. AJK get more points, they should be doing more work"

What?! Are all those paper work in the society file senseless scribblings about Barney and his morally uplifting tea party with a bunch of always-smiling-don’t-their-mouth-hurts?-kids?!

"But I’m afraid I can’t make it, teacher. I’m going off to Penang during the holidays."

"After the holidays then"

"I have tuition teacher"

Translation- I have one of the most important examination a student have to take in his entire whole life and I am planning to get good grades and get accepted to a good local university. I don’t have time to fiddle around with brooms and dust!

"If any AJK don’t help out, I will deduct their points."

Silent.

And I smiled. And I was polite. And I was being this superficial figure with this whole persona of a good boy. And I said:

"OK teacher. I will discuss with VP after this"

After all that I’ve done. Typing out a hundred names on the club’s member’s list and only having less than half of those names on the list show up for the meeting every week! I hardly missed any meeting. Heck, I even make it to a meeting after I just had two of my teeth extracted. After all those, darn, freaking stuffs I’ve done and all those bull I have to go through. My marks will be deducted if I don’t come to one freaking meeting where I have to clean up the freaking Language Lab? Seriously?!

Raindrops keep falling on my whatever that day. Hold on, the storm came after that when the time of the Editorial meeting was changed and I was left in the dark about it. Seriously? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!!

                                                      * * *

The school’s Teacher’s Day celebration was held today. All the prefects had to work their butts off to make the events a success. What did we get? Oh…don’t worry I have nothing to complain here. Before the dearest headmistress concluded her speech, of course she thanked all those who planned the event.

"Terima kasih kepada semua murid yang merancangkan sambutan pada hari ini"

Translation: "Thanks to all the students who planned out today’s event"

What is there to complain about. Prefect are also students. Don’t worry..just because we are wearing a blue shirt, that doesn’t mean that we are not students. Some of my prefect’s friends really take their time out to planned all the performances and games and decorations and ceremony conduct and I’m sure adding the word "Prefects" is not necessary.

                                                         * * *

I’m not here to let you down. But the costume makes the clown. It’s just life’s anatomy. Please don’t take it so hard. I’m not here to please you and neither am I here to offend you. If you are in some way or somehow offended by what that I just wrote…let me just include this before a storm is brewed up by just a speckle of mist.

P.S: Fictional.

So Be It

The March Monthly Test is over and that means that I have a little bit of time in my hands until tomorrow before Monday arrives and brings with it a whole truckload of assignments and homework. But hey…who am I to complain? I mean homework, assignments and extracurricular activities are after all a part of a Malaysian students’ life. And my point was further reinstated by one of the questions in last Wednesday’s English paper where it was said that teachers were one of the reasons that cause stress among students. Tell me again about pointing out the obvious.

The exam week had been pretty hectic…no thanks to my nature of doing things at the very last moment. I mean at school I will sit for like 3 papers and then once I get home and after lunch and all that, I resume back to my studies and memorised and tried to understand a million facts and formula. Phew…I am just glad that I will be given a rest until tomorrow. Lolx.

At school, I am feeling like I am being push aside by some of my peers. Maybe its just this feeling that comes with the whole package of exam stress. I don’t know. Maybe I am better at being one’s enemy than one’s friend. I mean…oh forget about it.

There are some things that are better kept to yourself. I’m sure I am just being over-paranoid about nothing in particular. Anyway, if a group of people keep their distance from you just because of the words that flow from one half of a story rather than the rest of the story…I guess you have finally seen the true colours of those around you.

  I might not be on good terms with someone at the moment right now. But then again, this rough edge is just supposed to be between me and that someone. Therefore, when someone asked me if there is anything going on between me and that someone, my reply is "Nothing. Seriously, what did you think happened?". But of course that would be my reply. Just because I am denying things doesn’t mean that the other party will do the same thing. I might say that nothing happened but at the other end of the room I might be described as a horrible villain that is disrupting harmony.

  So what if I am being perceived as the "bad guy" in this dilemma? Would that bother me? Would that cause any cosmic changes in my world? Okay…so maybe I am lying if I say that I am not bothered. But these things happened. If I am to be regarded as the guy who is causing all this trouble…so be it. At least I know the truth…and the truth is enough to protect me from all this negativity. If I am to be perceived in such a bad way, I can always take comport that that boy is a fictional character who had been judged wrongly. I am me. Nothing is going to change that fact. Furthermore, it is only during this time that I will get to know who is true and who is not. Who is real and who is fake. Who is smiling and who is crying.

  I am not trying to gain your sympathy. Please don’t get me wrong. You are an individual of your own. Even if I shout out to your face loudly and say "Hey you idiot. Snap out!! What is wrong with your judgment?!". You might still believe the other half of the story.

Don’t expect to hear the other half of the story from me anytime soon. You will only get a superficial reply if you do ask. Stay with the first half of the story…if you believe it. So be it. If you think that person is telling you the whole truth. So be it. If you think that I am the cause of the problem. So be it. I might be wrong…that person might be wrong…both of us might be wrong. But you know what? So be it. So be it.

Post-CNY

I got accepted in the school’s Editorial Board!! Woooo-hoooo!!!

  It’s been a while since I wrote anything in this little blog of mine. Well, let’s see what that I have been up to all this while. Hmm…for starters, I went back to two places during the Chinese New Year this year. I went back to Terengganu and my favourite place on Earth…Penang!

  Lolx, I know you’ve probably heard of this like a thousand times and all that but Penang absolutely, totally ROCKS!! It is like one of those places all of us Malaysians must be proud of because the people there are so diverse and yet they are so alike. Well, you might not agree with me. But then again, my point of view is that of a partial-Penangite( I am after all a Kuala Lumpurian).

  Anyway, the Chinese New Year celebration this year had been pretty surreal for me. This is the first time that I celebrated the CNY at two of my hometowns. And do you know what that means? More ang pows!! Lolx. No lar, the real reason that make this celebration more special for me is that I was able to celebrate the Chinese New Year with both sides of the family. To me, family is really important. You have to preserve the family ties (especially with your extended family) so that there will always be this feeling of familiarity among you and your family members and instead of talking about the weather with your cousins, you will be talking about the latest show on the silver screen or the last episode of Grey’s Anatomy. So here is a message for you guys: Don’t be strangers with your family members.

  I was at Terengganu from CNY’s eve to the 2nd day of CNY. My family and I left Terengganu for Penang on the 2nd day of CNY. While back at Penang, I had this amazing opportunity to observe the Chinese traditions during the CNY. Like on the 5th day of CNY during the night, my mom, my bro and I followed my aunt to the Snake Temple and prayed. It was really crowded that night, thought not as crowded as the year before. It was really fun. There were Chinese opera, God of Prosperity and err…some snakes. There was just this small little snake at one of the section of the temple. My mom told me that the temple was once full of snakes and that you have to watch your steps so as not to step on the snakes that are slithering on the stone floor of the temple. It’s just that due to the modernization of the city, fewer and fewer snakes had visited the temple. Or was it the presence of some tourists who bugs the snake? Hmmm….

  My grandmother’s birthday was also celebrated during the Chinese New Year celebration. Her birthday was celebrated on the 7th day of CNY. The whole family went out for an eight course meal at one of those Chinese restaurants at the heart of Georgetown. During her birthday celebration, my grandma will lay out ang pows on the table for her sons, daughters, sons-in-law, daughters-in-law, grandchildren and great grandchildren (that would be Joel). And among these ang pows, there is one “special” ang pow which contains a greater amount of money. Last time when I was a kid, my cousins and I said that who ever who gets that “special” ang pow will be luckier. Lolx.

  Times had surely passed by. I am now in my teenage years and most of my cousins had grown up and went to further their studies at the groves of acadame. Well…all good things must come to an end. I am not implying that things are not good anymore now. But when you’re a child, your greatest worry is to catch Barney or Power Rangers on television. Things are so simple back then. Sometimes I do wish that I was in that phase of time, when things are a little less complicated. Well welcome to the life of a bookaholic teenager. Where my passion for life is good fiction and my goal is to keep on striving to live. Life is short. Live your life to the fullest!! And while you’re doing it, enjoy!!!

  Now, fast forward to the present. Today is the second day of photo shoot for the school magazine. Anyway, I got to know that I had been accepted in the school’s Ed-Board and the feeling is just so elevating. Well, the news is just enough to blow away the dark cloud of what that happened later on in school. It was like I was given a shot of morphine and that “high” just makes me immune to some stuff that happened later on. I’d rather not go in detail about those “stuffs” though. Some stuff in life is better kept in the dark. After all blissful ignorance could save you from certain things in life. But then again, being a Science student, to be kept in blissful ignorance is like walking across the road full of cars with your eyes blind folded.

  Anyway, I don’t want to bother you with my problems. I’m going to stop here right now. Got to get back to my Physics project. I just can’t resist this guilty pleasure to write in this blog. Till then, enjoy life along the way!!

  Don’t let the fact of not being invited gives you the sheer disappointment of being uninvited. Anyway the difference between invited and uninvited is just the syllable of ‘UN’. Support United Nation’s cause and "Say No To War!". I am delirious. Ignore me.

Wounds of Words

I don’t tell people things they don’t want to hear. No, I would rather prevaricate than hurt someone’s feelings. So don’t expect me to tell you how I truly feel about you for you will only hear words that had been ‘coated’. Does that make me a terrible friend? I suppose it does, doesn’t it?

But this is my way in the art of communication. I ‘carved’ my words carefully before I spill them out. I wipe away all the unintended vulgarity before I utter my words. I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings through words for words cut deeper than the edge of a surgical scalpel. Words go straight to your heart and slash it without any compassion. The wound on your arm will heal but the wound in your heart never does. It only cuts deeper when you try to heal it.

There is this certain feeling at the core of your heart after you have been ‘attacked’ by words. It is a dark feeling that swirls in your heart and then the echoes of those word could be heard in your brain. In the end you pretty much fall. It is hard to recover from the fall…it is harder to wipe away the echo of those words in your mind.

I grow up in a middle-class family. My parents taught to be humble and not to be audacious and I taught myself to have empathy towards another individual’s feelings.

I live in a society that hardly gives a second thought to another’s feeling. Most of my peers come from a rich family. Some of them don’t think before they speak. Few of them know of the effect their words have caused. One of them had crossed the line today.

Think before you speak for you can’t take back the words that you spill from your mouth. Hold your tongue for you can’t take away the hurt caused by words that was wove by that anatomy of yours. Carve your words for the wound in the heart never heals.

You might never realise the effect your words have done to another individual. But trust me, the wounds of words hurt deeply.

Something To Talk About

It is the fourth week of the new school term and the homeworks are piling up. It is the fourth week of 2007 and there is something to talk about for everyone in the air. From the new power-that-be in school to Amazing Race Asia. From the new probation prefects to the new canteen management (which by the way had stopped switching on the fans during recess time, at least they serve edible foods). From the Moral Studies kerja amal to the Add. Maths project. There is something to talk about everywhere.

I actually manage to write a drama script titled ‘Looking for Eloise’ but I’m positive that the title won’t stay permanent because I’m suppose to change all the casts to Asians. It had been so tough writing that drama script. I think that happens because I have been training myself to think more analytical and scientific than being lyrical and poetic. I love the English language, but it is really not something that I want to incorporate into my future career choice. Well, nothing to talk about here.

Pn. T called me to have a go at the school’s debate team. Me in a debate team? Seriously, I don’t know why would she even consider me to join the school’s debate team? For starters, I am terrible when it comes to speaking in front of the class. How could you expect me to talk in front of God-knows-how-many strangers in a debating competition? I stutter when I did my Bahasa Melayu presentation in the class the other day and I ended up having a migraine after that. I talk extremely fast when I’m nervous and I hardly stop to take in oxygen. I guess the lack of oxygen concentration in my brain had resulted in me having a migraine after that. At the moment, I can’t honestly see myself debating. Nothing to talk about here.

Something that my classmates had been talking about is the smelly odour that contaminates the class after recess every day. My class is situated beside a huge drain and a rubbish dumping area. How convenient. I have nothing to complain here. At least, the Physics, Biology and Chemistry lab and the school’s canteen is just a stone throw away. Something to talk about? For the students of 5A…yes.

Last Monday, something really funny happened to me. I got locked in the Prefect’s Room backroom.

Seriously.

Of all things that could possibly happen to me on a Monday morning, that happened to me. Imagine it, instead of the prefects getting complaints again (Nothing to talk about here.) or getting hit on the head by a basketball, I got locked in a room. I got locked in a room and the news came to the school’s Penolong Kanan Hal Ehwal Murid and discipline teacher’s attention. Something to talk about? Well, the whole Prefect’s Board knew about it by recess time. My dream came true, I became the talk of the Prefect’s Board because I got locked in a room and was rescued 10 minutes later by the school’s gardener. Lucky me. -.-

Well not the whole Prefect’s Board know about it. W.P. got left out on the news and he kept on asking me about what that the other prefects had been talking about. Stay in blissful ignorance for another 10 years W.P.! =P

The month of January is coming to an end. In fact it is drawing it’s curtain at 12am tonight. Right now, I can’t wait for Chinese New Year! Things are going at a slow pace right now. But after the Chinese New Year, a month will seem like a week. Until then, have a nice time finding something to talk about.

Friends or Foes?

It is really hard to know who is truly your friend and who is not. After all, there is this saying "Keep your friends close but keep your enemy closer". So, how do you honestly decide if someone is a friend or an enemy? How do you know how to decipher those smiles and laughter? Because for all I know, behind those smiles and laughter there lies a cryptic code of hate.

I do have friends, in case you are thinking that I am a pathetic person who can’t communicate or be in the presence of another’s company. But there had been experiences that show me that you can’t know a person’s feelings or thoughts within just through their demeanour or physical actions.

There are "friends" who just plain use you. After you have know them for a while, acquaint yourself with them, then they would start to reveal the true purpose of their friendship. For example, you do him or her all these favours and you don’t really expect anything back. However, in a while he or she will pretty much just walk all over you. Say, you go ahead and call them when there is this amazing fair about books when you found out about it and when they found out about something, they just pretty much leave you in the dark.

And then there are "friends" who stab you in the back. You were great friends with this guy since Form 3. And just when you thought that you have finally found that someone who you could truly regard as a friend, one day he goes ahead and tell another classmate in the Biology Lab that you are stingy just because you won’t type out his part of the History project (he does have a computer with a printer, in case you are wondering) that was supposed to be a team work while you were doing a presentation on enzymes in front of the class.

Not to forget, there are also "friends" who is nice to you in front of your face but behind you, she bitch about you to another person. And incidently, she come to you and talk bad about that friend of hers whom she just bitched with a minute ago. Okay, it is pretty much a case of back stabbing. But in this case, it is pretty much about the two-faced snake and I hate, no, despice that a two-faced snake.

So, tell me, how do you seriously decide who is the friend and who is the foe? How do you know when the time has come for you to regard that friend as your shadow whom you can reveal your thoughts to? How do you know when familiarity had finally turn to hostility? How do you know where to draw the line and most important of all, how would you know if you or your friend had crossed that line? Tell me, for I am not your friend but neither am I your foe.

Be Ignorant Not

Something always goes around you every single moment. There is not a second that goes by without something happening around you. Even when you are asleep, you might be in the confines of your sweet rejuvenating slumber but not the fine little things that are around you. The hands of the clock on the small table by your bed still moves in the clockwise direction. The next door neighbour’s cat will still creep under the gates to the streets and hunt for mouse in the dead of the night. The millions of microscopic organisms and cells still carry out their biological process in your body.

The world is in constant spin 24/7. Day will turn to night and night will turn to day. Flowers will bloom and flowers will wilt. Oxygen will be released and oxygen will be breathed. Peace will come and peace will go. Lives will be lived and lives will be lost. Friends will turn to lovers and lovers will turn to friends. Bonds will form and bonds will break. Happiness will turn to grieve and grieve will turn to happiness. These are all the things that go on without fail every single day. These are all the physical and spiritual anatomies of life. These are the things that give birth to inspiration and inspirations that give birth to philosophy. These are all the things that made up life and you should not miss out on all these things.

Now, whoever who told you that it is best to be in blissful ignorance is a complete idiot. As a Science stream student, I have learned that ignorance is not bliss in the field of Science. In fact, ignorance could prove to be fatal. For example, when you don’t use the correct method to handle the very reactive alkali metals, an accident could very well happen in the Chemistry lab. In the context of "accident", I mean waking up in a white antiseptic-smelling bed after you accidentally blew up the lab to bits and pieces. Well, of course I mean this in a fictional kind of way. No school board in the right mind would provide restless teenaged students with rubidium.

In the Science vocabulary, ignorance is synonym with the word stupid. This is because when you are ignorant of the chemical properties of metals or the physical characteristics of a reptile, you are throwing yourself directly into the abyss of doom, literally. Not a single moment must pass without you not knowing and not a single trail of formula must slipped when you are living in the complex world of Science. You must be in the constant ‘Know’ all the time. Open up your eyes wide and pay full attention to your surrounding. This is the most important thing that you must learn once you’re a Science student. It is always about the survival of the fittest and to survive in a Science world, the motto that you must implant into your head is: Be Ignorant Not!

I am not implying that we are all robots once you are a Science student. But then again, who wants to be ignorant, right? Who, honestly wants to feel left out on a certain issue that is going on around us? Who wouldn’t want to know the answers to all the questions that there is in the world? Wouldn’t it be a dark sinking feeling if you don’t know something? To feel that you are under this big shed that seems to block out the sun and preventing you from seeing the light, isn’t that an almost sinister feeling that churns in your stomach and leave an empty space there? Doesn’t ignorance bring about the feeling of being left out?

Not all the time I guess. The world is a painful ordeal that we have to face each and every day as long as we still live and breathe, I am aware of that fact and I am not going to deny it. The fairytales that we believed in only lasts towards the end of our adolescence. We started seeing the brutal part of life once we shed our innocence. The truth hurts. Everybody knows that. Not a single scientific process goes without a slight defect in it and not a single truth is told without the sharp edge of hurt behind it. The world that we live in today is not a beautiful one. The 8pm evening news could very well be my witness. Just tune in to the evening news today and you would know what I mean.

As a Science student, it is important to be in the ‘Know’ 24/7. You must not ever fall into the dark valley of ignorance. But as a normal human being with the tendency to get hurt every now and then, it is sometimes good to be in the dark. Life will still go on without us knowing too much things that bring about despair. Now, whoever who told you that it is best to be in blissful ignorance, doesn’t turn out to be a complete idiot after all. But let me add a word to his remark- It is best to be in blissful ignorance sometimes.

Let Go

Have you ever tried so hard to obtain something that you know you can never get? Well, I did. I tried so hard for something that I know will never be mine, all the while keeping the thought "Nothing is impossible with a willing heart" behind my head.

I tried and I tried but my attempt was to no avail. It was destined to be doomed. How is it possible to bend the un-bendable? How is it possible to expect silver to change to gold? How is it possible to sow the seeds of a willow tree and hope for it to grow in the frozen earth during the cold winter?

Yes, I was hoping against hope for the un-hopeable. I was deceiving my own self and I was playing foolish games with my mind. I let myself to be drawn to a lingering fire only to discover that it had long extinguished before I even got there. No, the fire only linger in one’s hearth in the heart…it never spread to another’s hearth.

It had been a forlorn hope at the very beginning. I suppose I knew it before I even got caught up in that fever. It was ignorance that aspired me and denial that kept me going on. It was a mistake from the very dawn of that attempt. The writing was on the wall but I’ve chosen to be blinded.

  I think I’ve finally woke up from this phase of mine. After a very, very long time, I had finally come to realisation. Why chase after a dream that is so sweet only to discover that it is a nightmare that trap you in the end? Why waste your time on a particular thing when there are a million other things that are going around you? Why keep on deceiving yourself when truth is already in front of you? Why keep on hoping for a forlorn hope?

It had been a heavy load all this while and now it is time for me to unload this burden from my chest. I will unlock the lock and take off the chain that had been binding me. I will break free and soar up high. I will blow away this mist of ignorance that had been clouding me. And I will untangle myself from the web of denials that I had weaved.

It had been too long and too painful to bear anymore. All said, written and done… I am finally going to let go of that thing that I can’t get. I am letting go of my sweet deception, blissful ignorance and the poison in my heart.

Goodnight and goodbye to you whom I have let go…

Deny, Deny, Deny

Denial is the best solution when you would rather not face the truth. Therefore, when we find ourselves blocked by a thick slab of truth that builds up a wall in front of ur, we choose instead to walk down another path. We would rather defy what that is right in front of our eyes that face up to it. And in doing so - we are in denial.

I’ve denied one too many things that I would rather not swallow the truth of it. I’ve denied that I had somehow allowed myself to be affected by the sin of sloth this year. I’ve denied that one of my classmates’ who was a half-underdog had propelled tremendously upward in the reign of the class’ "Top 10". I’ve denied that I am not giving my all-out effort in my studies. I’ve denied the subtle feeling of being left out with one of my peers’ now that he is already caught up in the warm embrace of his girlfriend. I’ve denied the fact that I am somewhat an idiot when it comes to certain things. I’ve denied that I am somewhat, in someway a loner.

I’ve also denied the reality that my world only revolves around me and nobody else. I’ve denied that my hand writing is like crap. I’ve denied that the seed of rebellion in me is growing more and more everyday. I’ve denied the fact that I might not have as much friend as I think I do. I’ve denied the fact that one of the class’ newcomer is one of my school’s most popular Chinese girl. I deny the fact that my History isn’t as good as I think it is. I deny that I can, in some little way, be able to be not completely hopeless in A. Maths.

I’ve denied that I don’t know anything anymore about my best friend from my primary schooling days. I’ve denied that I am in a feud with one of my classmates’ for some reason that I don’t really remember anymore right now. And deep down in all this denials…I think that I’ve denied that I might actually have feelings for someone at the moment.

The last denial is the one that bothers me the most right now. Well, of course I am even denying my feelings. So, technically in the process of my denial…it shouldn’t doesn’t bother me that much. I was wrong. I was dead wrong.

In my denial towards my feelings, I have been more and more caught up in my web of denials. The best way for me to untangle my self from that web is to actually stop denying. I can put an end to all my denials…but not the last one. I don’t think I can come to terms with my feelings right now. Heck, I don’t think I want to come to terms with my feelings. At the present climate, I will continue spinning a web of denials for that particular last denial of mine.

P.S: Fictional